Urgh!

I don’t like to complain about being pregnant because I know I’m lucky to be having a baby when so many people can’t and it’s been a good pregnancy etc, but my god I would like it to be over soon.

I’m not very good at listening to my body trying to tell me that I’m overdoing it. On Monday I completely over did it by dismantling my bed and then having to put it back together due to the bed delivery being cancelled. I should have just called a friend to do it, but I figured it’s only a 5 minute job so I should just get on with it. It did only take me 5 mins, but it took me 2 days to get over it physically.

I’m fed up of doing all the parenting on my own without help and whilst my OH has now decided he would like us to have a fourth child after this one, I have to put my foot down until we can live together again. There is no way I can do another pregnancy living on my own with the kids.

As well as all the usual things you would find hard at this stage like bending down, walking long distances, sleeping comfortably etc. I also have little Iris clambering over me, leaning on my tummy, bouncing on me and wanting to be carried. She just isn’t old enough to understand that mummy can’t do all the things I used to be able to do. If OH was living with us, at least he could take some of the physical batterings instead of me.

I have another 5 weeks to go (or 7 if she’s overdue like the other two were!) but I can’t think that far ahead, I have to take each day at a time or I think I’ll spiral into depression at that prospect!

However I had a good sleep last night and was even blessed with an extra hour in bed after settling the kids down with drinks, raisins and a cartoon they hadn’t seen before, so I was energised enough to handle whinging, carrying, tears and tantrums. Lets hope I have a good nights sleep for the next 5 weeks.

Moody mummy

Today was a bit of a rude awakening for me that I could slip back into feeling down and snappy after just a few nights of broken sleep with the kids.

I bought them new bunk beds, a tent to go over Marlow’s bed and a huge leaf for Iris’s bed (you’ve gotta love Ikea!) in the hope this would encourage the monkeys to sleep in their own beds. Did it hell!

Last night Iris woke up at 4 and was being all noisy and wanting to get up for the day. I gave her milk, lay with her in her bed, gave her my phone to play with, but she was still wide awake. She eventually woke her brother up (who was in my bed) at about 5:30am then dropped off to sleep herself again at around 7ish, leaving me with a rather grumpy little man.

All this being woken up early is taking it’s toll on Marlow because I think he would sleep a good hour longer if his sister didn’t wake him every morning.

Today he fell asleep 45 minutes before I was due to take him to pre-school and when I woke him to get him dressed, he went berserk. And the good, self controlled parent I am, I lost it at him. Yep I shouted at him and told him if he would just sleep in his own bloody bed, then he wouldn’t wake up so early and wouldn’t be tired for school. I then stormed out the room and shouted at Iris for following me then burst into tears myself.

After sobbing for a few minutes by myself, my parental instinct kicked in again (better late than never eh?!) and I rushed back into the living room and scooped the kids up for a cuddle and I couldn’t apologise enough to them. I tried to explain to Marlow why I got cross and that I really need him to try and sleep in his own bed, but I think it was lost on him.

I then had to try and explain to his school why he wasn’t coming in today which made me feel like a crappy parent. “Erm he had paddy and I couldn’t deal with it so I let him have the day off”. They must love parents like me!  I do have parents evening for him tomorrow so I’m going to explain to them that we’re going through a rough sleeping period at the moment and it’s affecting all of us. Hopefully they’ll be understanding.

The rest of the day saw me flitting in and out of a snappy mood over small things which usually I would just take in my stride.

I’m very aware that tomorrow, the chances are I will feel on top form again, which is why I can write off today as just a one off bad day and not the beginning of a slippery slope. But it is frightening for me to notice how easily lack of sleep can affect the kids and I in a very negative way. I need to come up with some coping mechanisms for the last trimester or we’re doomed!!

Parents with a blind eye

Today I attended my friend’s daughter’s birthday party with the kids and much to their delight there was a bouncy castle and they wasted no time in getting their shoes off to hop on.

Having a look around the hall, I realised I didn’t know any of the other parents, bar one, so I was quite happy focusing on child minding my monkeys on the bouncy castle instead of engaging in boring small talk. I hate small talk, I would rather not bother engaging in conversation at all, than chat about pointless stuff with people I’m not going to meet again.

However most of the other parents did know each other, so used the opportunity of the party bringing them together to catch up and well, ignore their children basically.

I’m not totally against this as I know I do my fair share or letting the kids get on with playing while I chat to my friends, but I do keep a vague eye on them.

Sadly not all the parents at the party did this and as a result my children paid the price. They pretty much got beaten up for most of the bouncy castle part of the party. You see there were 4 kids there who were particularly feisty and made a bee line for my kids (maybe they appeared easy pickings) and pushed, scratched, wrestled and squashed them.

I  whipped off my boots and had to intervene fairly soon after we arrived yet no parent came to reprimand their child for hurting mine. This pretty much continued for an hour and getting rather fed up, I took it upon myself to tell other people’s kids off and make them apologise to mine.

Several times I watched M intervene when Iris was getting attacked. He would wrap his arms around her and shout at the offending child “No, that’s my sister. Leave my sister alone. Don’t hurt her”. What a good big brother he is, it melted my heart seeing that.

My friend apologised for me having to break up fights throughout, but she was pretty busy hosting so I didn’t really blame her for not being on hand.

So after a bite to eat, we left the party with a fat lip, a bitten tongue and a few bumps on foreheads. My poor little babies.

I took them straight to the coffee shop for a milkshake treat and to recover. I couldn’t believe that the bahaviour of some of the kids went unnoticed and unpunished by their parents. Surely if you know your child can be a bit boisterous, wouldn’t you pay more attention to their actions in a social situation? I sure as hell know I would.

 

When 2 is to become 3.

So what happens when you are happily a family of 4, mum, dad and 2 kids; a boy and a girl, the perfect family, right?

Well this is what happens to me, my partner decides to open up a business 2 counties away so lives away from us and then I discover shortly after that I’m pregnant again.

So what do you do when you find out your family is going to grow when you least expected it and let’s be honest, least needed it to happen?

Well this is what I did. I said ‘fuck fuck fuck’ on repeat for about 4 hours. Occassionally looking up to the ceiling and shouting “3!!! I can’t have 3 kids”. But then I manned up and started making plans.

Plans that would involve yet another house move, a bigger car purchase and the collection of all the essential baby items I would need after having gotten rid of absolutely everything I thought we no longer needed.

But first of course, contacting the midwife again and booking a scan. When you have no idea how far along you are because you haven’t had a period since you finished breastfeeding your youngest child, they tend to push you to the front of the scanning queue.

Two weeks later I discovered I was in fact just over 13 weeks pregnant. I’m clearly very in tune with my body not to have noticed I was starting to grow a little person inside of me. Well to be honest, I had noticed changes, but because becoming pregnant was so far off my radar, I didn’t link any of these changes to a baby. But looking back, feeling sick for nearly 3 weeks, starting to get spots at age 31, my hair falling out in fairly sizable clumps and of course not losing any weight  after not eating for nearly 3 weeks due to said sickness, in hindsight should have been warning signs for me.

Thankfully hubby is completely on board with having a third baby, but still remains living 2 counties away from us.

We have now moved to a larger house with a box room which will become the nursery in approximately 4 and a half months time.

So today I find myself, sitting in my new living room with my precious little babies, looking forward to an early night on my own.

“Wow, that’s going to be tough on your own with 3 kids and no support from a partner” I hear you say (or maybe “you should have kept your legs shut!”). Well yes indeed there are going to be days that are harder than others, but that’s no reason so sit and wallow or fret about how I’m going to cope. That was me 12 months ago, but not now.

Yes it’s not ideal and certainly not how I planned my life would be a few years ago. I had hoped to live with my partner, maybe have a third child, but not for a few years at least. I hoped I might return to work so we had some money to take our two lovelies on a big holiday, but you know, it just wasn’t meant to be that way for us, not yet anyway.

So as I said, I’m not going to sit and be miserable about how my life hasn’t turned out how I wanted it, I’m going to do my best to make the most of this new situation I find myself in. I will of course have  days where I’ll sit and weep because the kids are driving me nuts and I’m tired (like last Tuesday) but if I’m going to get through life happily, I will jolly well have to pull my socks up after a day like that and just get on with it.

Today writing my blog again has made me happy, but if I don’t feel like it tomorrow or the next day I won’t, but I hope to carry on doing it for as long as it feels right for me.

 

More change

I know I’m not very regular with my blogging, but I do it for myself and not for ratings, so that’s pretty lucky!!

Anyway, it’s all change here in my household. I’ve been made redundant again (darn economical climate) and hubby has moved out to open a new pub far far away. So that leaves me with two children on my own, 24/7.

I know millions of women and even men, are lone parents and cope just fine and I’m pretty sure I’ll be no different but I have to admit I’m feeling a bit wobbly about it all at the moment.

Looking after the kids by myself isn’t anything new to me, I’ve been doing that since they were born, it’s that I live on my own with them, it all feels rather absolute. Before, even though I was doing things on my own for the kids, I knew that if I whinged and moaned enough, hubby would have  helped me out, but now I don’t have that choice.

The hardest thing I’ve found so far is locking the door before I go to bed and turning all the lights off. I would previously have left things on and unlocked for hubby when he gets in from work, but now I’m the last one up to bed.

Marlow seems a bit unsettled at the moment and has done a few wees on the floor on purpose, I’m pretty sure he’ll settle down quickly, kids are pretty tough.

I’m making it my absolute priority to keep a happy and stable home environment for the kids. We shall carry on being the strong family unit that we are. Amen!

What a week!

After my last post where I felt I had turned a real corner in feeling more positive and in control of things, someone up there decided to throw a spanner in the works.

Last week I felt super crap as I had flu. This made me feel emotional and a mess as I couldn’t cope with looking after the kids as it was too exhausting and I felt too awful.

Then last Tuesday my dear Gran died. She was very old, 95, so of course we expected her to pass at some point, but the time from her getting ill to dying was all very quick. She was able to die in her own home and was completely at peace and pain free which is a blessing, but my god am I sad that’s she’s gone.

My gran was Dutch so the funeral was obviously going to be in Holland, however I didn’t have a passport. So the day after my gran died, I was in Newport, with flu and two children and thank god hubby too, getting a passport. It was quite possibly one of the worst days I’ve had in a long while. We had to wait 4 hours before we picked up my passport, so just had to hang around. The kids were getting tired and grumpy and I was feeling as rough as hell. After getting my passport, the trains home were cancelled so we made our to the rail replacement bus service. What joy! My heart sank further when the bus dropped us off at Bristol Parkway but no trains to Bristol temple meads for hours. All of us were edging towards melt down so we just took an expensive taxi home. The best £20 I’ve spent in a long while.

Then on Thursday, my dear sister had her baby at 28 weeks. I had been trying to get Iris to bed, but she wasn’t having any of it, so I finally gave in and turned the light on and put her on her floor to play and thought I would check my phone. I had missed calls and texts from family and immediately called my brother. He told me that our sister  had started bleeding heavily at home, was rushed to hospital and after losing 4 litres of blood, they had to give her an emergency cesarean. Thank goodness they controlled the bleeding and gave her two blood transfusions. Her little boy was taken straight to an incubator but unfortunately not in the same city as there were no spare ones. He was rushed to London, so when my sister was woken up, she wasn’t even able to even see her son for 3 days. We nearly lost them both, but because of the amazing staff at the NHS, both are doing fabulously well.

Without time to come to terms with what had happened that week, I was on a flight to Holland to my gran’s funeral. I had to miss my darling boy’s third birthday party to go to the funeral which broke my heart. I felt so torn between wanting to be at my sister’s bedside, going to the funeral and wanting to be there for my son’s birthday. I honestly couldn’t make a rational decision, so my other sister had to break it all down into bite size chunks for me to absorb and made the decision for me.

After returning home at 10:30pm from the funeral, I tried to get a good nights sleep so I could drive to London to see my sister the following day.

Being able to hug my sister was the biggest relief I’d felt that week. I didn’t realise how close we’d come to losing her until she re-told the story of what had happened. I’m so very grateful that they are both alive and doing remarkably well given how early he was born.

Now I am home with my babies and I feel a huge surge of relief. Obviously what my sister is going through right now is incredibly stressful and tiring so I feel like I don’t have the right to feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted by last week’s two major events, on top of having flu, but I do. I have felt so out of it this week, like I’m watching my life from above as a spectator. But having been home for a few days, I’m starting to feel back to normal again.

I am absolutely overjoyed to say however, that despite this being one of the most shitty week’s of my life, I felt in control of myself and how I reacted to the kids. If this had all happened a few weeks ago, I think the kids would have experienced a very snappy and short tempered mummy, but because of the corner I feel I have turned, they didn’t see that at all. They have actually kept me going and been a great comfort to me. At the moment I feel I have the energy and focus to offer my sister all the strength and support she needs to get through the coming months while her little boy is in hospital, gaining enough strength to be discharged.

Now, I’m ready for a bit of calm…….please.

New phone app

These last few days I’ve been playing around the new app that Harveys have just launched. As you would expect, you can view all their furniture on it, sofas, tables, display cabinets, the lot.  What I wasn’t expecting though, was to be able to lay a picture of any item of furniture into a saved photo of my room or into a live camera shot of my room and then be able to email it to myself or anyone else for that matter. You can also share the picture on Twitter and Facebook which is great if you want to get people’s opinions before you buy.

I chose the Lambourne table to put in my living room for playing around with purposes. I had high hopes of getting a great picture of how it would look next to my sofa, for a realistic impression of whether it would suit my room or not. However due to the complete lack of space in the room because of it being completely swamped with toys and a crap camera on my phone, I couldn’t actually get said picture. But to give you an idea of what the app can do, I thought it wouldn’t matter too much if the coffee table was posed lovingly in the middle of my living room with only the dim lamp light to light the room.

You can also view any piece of furniture in an empty room view. For this view I chose the Byrony sofa. In this picture, I changed the colour of the sofa, enlarged it and moved it to it’s current position.

As well as changing the colour and moving the furniture around, you can flip it to it’s mirror image, press the information button to find out more details and most importantly see the price.

If you find a piece of furniture that you love and you want to buy it, you can do it there and then from your phone by adding to your basket.

Or if you want to test the sofa out but don’t know where you nearest store is, there is a store finder button at the bottom of the main screen.

So what do I think of the app? Well as a bit of a technophobe, I actually found it easy to navigate and use. I think it’s a very useful tool if you’re looking for new furniture and could really help with the decision making process by being able to see it in your own home. And the best thing about this app…..it’s FREE. You can download it here. Enjoy.

Turning a corner

I’m not entirely sure what has changed, but something has. I am feeling so much more in control of myself. I have had a really good week this last week, I’ve been able to control myself when I feel my temper rising. I’ve been taking a step back and seeing the situation for what it is and realising it’s not worth getting stressed over and losing my temper with the kids which I’ll feel guilty for immediately after.

I’m not saying I haven’t got cross at all, but it feels like I’m being cross in a rational way instead of completely losing it for the most ridiculous reasons.

As a result, I feel I’m getting on lots better with the M again. Not that we weren’t getting on before, but I’m appreciating everything about him and being with him again rather than waiting for him to do something that will make me blow up.

He must have picked up on this change in me as his behaviour has been great. Or maybe it’s always been great, but I can only realise it now I’m feeling more in control and myself again.

I’m not deluded into thinking that this is it, I’m fine now. I’m still going to take the help that has been offered to me so I can continue to feel like I do now as the longer I feel great, the less likely I am to fall down again.

Unconditional love

I love my kids more than anything in the world. I do not blame them for how I feel at the moment, I feel sorry them and blame myself for not being able to cope.

They deserve to carry on being the beautiful, happy, playful, cuddly, cheeky and loving kids that they are. No, I don’t blame them, I think I blame my circumstances. I blame the fact that I have no daily help with the kids and the fact that I have to work every night so never get any time to just sit and do nothing. These are things that aren’t going to change in the near future so I think I have to learn to accept this. Once I can do this, I think I’ll be able to manage my frustration better as I won’t be wishing for something that can’t change for the time being.

This doesn’t help

I’ve asked for help, which took me months to do, to even realise that I wasn’t coping so well and now I feel I’m being put back or lost in the paper work.

Maybe I’m expecting too much, I probably am, but I just want to be looked after. I feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water sometimes and I just want someone to sort everything out for me. I want all the paperwork done for me, I want people to actually call me when they say they will and I want a home visit at least in the same month I asked for help.

Yes, want, want, want, but that’s just how I’m feeling today. I feel let down. It’s crap enough feeling that the two most perfect things in your life  who you love with every ounce of your being, are also the reason you cry and shout more than you should, so I feel entitled to want the help that was initially offered to me, quickly so I can stop feeling like this.

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